Charting A Course

It's that time again.

The time where an article pops up on my news feed which is so tempting and so deserving of a click that I click on it. It was titled, " How To Cycle Around The World In 3 Easy Steps - Tom Allen’s Bike Trip"

I don't have to explain why it sounded exciting. I mean, around the word? In three steps?!

Sign me up!

Unfortunately the steps aren't what one might want them to be. Like the Mirror of Erised, everyone will expect three steps that will fit exactly what they were looking for, solutions to the exact problems that they are facing.

The reality is cold and hard, as the advice is pretty much along the lines of telling you to get off your ass and getting out into the world.

Here's where the dilemma starts.

I'm 21 years old. I'm no longer a kid. I have been blessed or born (depending on the readers personal opinions) into a home that has supported and helped me through every desire I have had, morally and financially.

So the thought of giving up everything; just uprooting myself from this life that my parents and my entire family have worked so hard to give me... Well, it just seems wrong.

I know I don't have to uproot myself entirely, nor do I have to vanish forever. But in order to truly be free, to let go of the attachment and really, really cycle without a care. I kind of feel that I have to surrender it all.

Don't get me wrong, if I told my family about this and was able to substantiate the desire, to whatever extent. I'm sure they would have no doubts about saying "go ahead".

But what about my future? As I near the end of my college 'career' I am plagued by the thoughts of what is to come after. Do I run into a job? Which job? Should I be looking at a post-grad? A diploma? In what!? The questions stack up, higher and higher.

Recently we had a workshop in college for Career Charting. The idea being to identify your skills and talents and think about what you would want to be in 5, 10 years and finally when you retire. I had done something similar in December; I basically looked at what I wanted to do with my life. One path lead down Media: Which basically meant photojournalism and possibly full time photography, with a side hobby of films. The other path lead down Politics: It saw me planning to intern at thinktanks, ngos, appearing for the Indian civil services exam and eventually becoming someone who could make a difference in India and the world.

Quite honestly, the latter option was what I ended up hitting. I mean, did I want to be just another person who lived on the planet? Or do I want to make a difference to humanity? Big shoes to fill, but I chose to make a difference.

However, in the last two weeks, I've been handed more responsibilities with some extra work as SC President of my College and I'm questioning everything. The reason for this is simple, working for the benefit of others, is a potentially thankless job. I won't have the exciting and potentially fast paced life that photography might give me, I would be restricting myself tremendously.

So what does one do? When faced with all these parallel paths, how could I find a commonality.

A line that is quoted very often from the poem Invictus is "I am the captain of my soul" and that speaks to me at some level.

As I said, the various paths can be divergent in nature. But if I want to throw myself through the brambles and the thorny bushes between the paths. That's my call to take.

I could do all of this stuff. I could, but how would I?

Off the top of my head, I could go cycling. Get to know the India that exists, if I travelled with my camera, I could take photos and write about my experiences. Maybe I'd get a deal where I can write as I travel, or a book deal. Once that finishes, if I still felt that it was my journey, I could start with the internships at thinktanks and ngos and do the ICS exam. Or I could do something else entirely.

I think it was wrong of me to have tried to tie my life down in such a manner. Life is supposed to be dynamic, exciting, unpredictable and make you feel that you have lived.

If you aren't happy with what you're doing, you're doing something wrong. You need to change it. Thing is, only you can change it.

With the society that we live in today, it's easier, and hence 'better' to stick to the safe things - even if they make you miserable.

But there is hope. I know enough people who have shifted from the things they were successful at, to things they're happy doing. The thing I want to avoid is reaching that point of stagnation and frustration that caused these people to abandon ship. I think it's safe to say that it would be better to chart a course, rather than jump in the blind.

As I think back on what I wrote, I'm thinking "Great! I've totally got this figured out."

Only problem, is that I now have to do it. I don't have to elaborate on how scary it is to move out of your comfort zone...

To that, all I would say is... Little steps. I'll try and inch out of my comfort zone, maybe in a year I'll be ready for this event. At least I'll be done with college!

Lesson about friends

Apparently, a friend is a single soul living in two bodies.

That's kind of creepy. But I get the thought behind it, it's talking about the commonality that exists between friends and how that essentially makes them one 'being'.

Off late, it's been easier and easier to say that, "He's a friend, she's a friend and so are all of them" the term 'friend' has no built-in hierarchy, so a friend is a friend. No medium has highlighted this more than facebook where you can have thousands of 'friends' (Personally I have 590 friends or some ridiculous number) while they're marked as friends, I cannot help that I am betraying the people that are actually my friends. After all, those people have earned the tag of a friend. A majority of those facebook people? Not so much.

What am I getting at?

Good question.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes a person who you feel is a friend, is actually, not your friend.

Genius, am I right?

In October of 2013, I became the President of my college's student council. Yay, good for me, blah, blah, blah. I never celebrated, because I knew that I had entered a realm that was extremely treacherous and dangerous.

Over the last few months, I've had to make some tough calls. I've had people who have aggressively come at me for certain decisions, or for the things that I represent. I've had to battle them; friends, acquaintances, teachers, etc, I've taken it all in my stride.

I am personally, proud of myself that I have learned the ability to emotionally distance myself from a professional problem. I have had rather head on encounters with several people, however after learning this thing, this ability to not fight, but to discuss, I have really ended up benefiting from it.

In December, I had a sit down with a person who had raised several issues about a number of things, emotions were high and I needed address it. I had had what I would only describe as Cuban Missile Crisis Game Theory encounters with this person, so needless to say, I was sufficiently concerned as to how it might go. When the meeting got over, and in the months that followed, I realized that while we might not agree with certain professional aspects, or even personal aspects, we had enough intelligence and a level of respect and understanding between each other to say that we would make efforts to ensure that this doesn't happen.

In January, I had an incident with a friend, it was a professional one and it soured my personal relation with him, but I was happy to note that as soon as the matter was over, we were able to resume like there was never any problem. I took that as a sign that there was a strong friendship that existed.

What does one do, when an extremely close friend, refuses to understand the boundaries of friendship and professionalism? This isn't about ego, or positions. It's about a person calling me out on the level of friendship and then questioning me about my professional actions.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's unacceptable, because that's taking advantage of my friendship to share your personal feelings about a work decision.

Don't get me wrong, I encourage and urge people to comment and correct me when I have done something wrong. But this is generally at an open level which is still maintained as a professional discussion. This means that I can still meet the person later and not feel that we're going to have the same discussion again. But this...

I don't know what to do about this, my personal logic tells me that systems and boundaries have been breached and something must be done. 'If you stand for nothing, you'll bend for anything' isn't that the saying?

The Spark of Insanity

What's the point of a blog?

Is it a diary?

Is it a portal?

Is it a mirror?

The more I think about it, the more it confuses me. I used to seek solace in writing on this page, but now, more and more, I find greater comfort and solace in keeping my thoughts to myself.

Could this be a drawback of how my life has moved?

When I first started this thing, I'll admit, I was probably seeking attention. I was done with school, all my friends were in college or something, and I was truly just floating around. I turned to writing because that was a hobby and the blog just seemed like the smart thing to have.

I shared my blog articles, after all, I wanted people to know what I was thinking, I wanted them to connect to me.

That was a mistake. Mainly because in a majority of my emotionally driven blogposts, I've been at some of the most extreme points of my life, happiness or sadness. You don't get to know a person from those points, you get to know them from all the stuff in between.

Now, I'm confident to say that I am aware of the circle of influence that I have, it has gone from being just my close friends, and has become every person that I consistently speak to. I know that if I was to share this blogpost, a majority of them will read it.

Which is why I am disgusted. Mainly, because I wanted to write something, but I am more concerned about what people will think and how they might perceive me after reading it. After all, with the additional readership, a few people are bound to come up to me and say, "Hey, I read your blog, nice work" or something with "nice work" changed.

It's like having an open diary, and while that could be a great thing, it's not. Well, not any more.

I should have realized this when I lost the Student Council elections of 2012. I was so pissed off, I went and put my frustrations online, and within two days, everyone had heard about it, if not read it. It was a dumb move because in that instance, I became vulnerable and additionally, I had completely sabotaged an innocent persons chance at being an efficient leader by crippling them before they even started their job.

I've learnt my lesson, I no longer write emotionally charged emails or get into heated debates with people. But at the same time, I feel that I have lost a key element of Virpratap, the spark of insanity (which is how I would describe it.)

What's this spark of insanity? It's just that little bit of madness that allowed me to do whatever I wanted to do, without really worrying about the consequences. It doesn't mean doing stupid things, I do stupid things every day (the other day I got into a slapping fight with four people, good fun, plenty of insanity.) but the thing that has been lost is something special, it's my personal creativity.

Yes, I could probably develop a Student Council 2.0 in a heart beat, but that's not creativity. I could get up and make a five minute speech with less than two minutes of preparation time; but that's not creativity, that's just something that's come naturally.

I cannot remember the last time I felt the urge to write my Great Novel, the last time I felt the urge to take photos or just do something creative.

If I had to string all of this together, and give it some sort of heading, I would say that growing up is more of a drag than I could have ever imagined.

Or maybe, it's just me. Maybe I've gotten way to serious in the last three years. I know that several people might agree with that premise. However, I can say that that's personal progress, and apparently, you cannot reverse progress.

So what does one do when they have reached this point. This point, which even they are not even sure of? Do they go Buddhist and renounce all worldly ties in the attempt to connect to the self? Or do they roll up their sleeves and rip the throat out of the mess they've created?

Personally, I am pretty sure of what I have to do. I have to do what I've always known I would have to do. Fight for Tomorrow.

Oooo! Philosophical line!

I remember some vague lines about a description of a heroes journey, that the hero does what he does, not because he can, but because he has to. It's not so much a line on destiny, but more of a line on the fact that in some cases you have to do what you must do in order to move something else forward.

If I was to drop whatever I was doing right now, I would not progress, grow or develop. Nor would I revert. I'd just stagnate. I've got to finish what I've started.

I mean, insanity is from within right? So there's a chance that the insanity would come back. Or perhaps I'll find some new kind of insanity to keep myself occupied with.