Off late, I've started wondering whether everything is functional in my mind.
Yes, this is one of those venting, confused pieces, so if you aren't interested in reading further, please, come back next week - I'm sure to have something productive written by then.
Most of my life, decisions have been rather simple. If they seemed insurmountable, and after an exaggerated herculean effort, they were still choices that I could live with.
Now a days I just feel like every move I'm making is the wrong one.
It sucks that I can't stay on a straight line. Mainly because it means that most decision I make, say, yesterday, I might regret, today.
I'm so confused. And disappointed.
I'm ashamed to seemingly be unable to react emotionally to emotional situation. God know that I want to cry, but I just can't.
I don't cry when people die. I don't cry when a sad movie plays. I don't cry when someone precious to me cries.
I just feel hollow.
I feel, fake. I can laugh at jokes, hell, I'll crack 50 of them in an hour. But I can't seem to cry - and believe me, I've made people cry a lot.
It makes me sick to write that, but it's the truth. I've seen people cry because of me so many times, I've lost count. And all I can do is stare back at them - emotionless. Hollow.
But I'm not hollow, at least, I don't think I am.
So many of my emotions as a child have gone straight into the bitter box that I think after 7th or 8th grade, I just stopped crying about things that caused me emotional pain. I believe that I've just taken every emotion from then on and placed it in this huge box.
Anger, Rage, Greed, Hatred, Compassion, Hope, Despair, and all the others.
But most importantly Love. Love was placed in that box of turbulent, corrupt emotions.
I'd like to divert onto a tangent here, on Love:
I can imagine a 'pandora's box' like scene where the box gets opened, but rather than all the seperate components flying out, it's mutated. It's been corrupted into a mass of emotional muck.
Now, forensics is trying to sift through it. But it's taking time. And most often than not, they are finding wrong emotions with a degree of love in it. Fear, Worry, Care. All these things are embedded with love. If love was assembled, it would very much have these components in it. But at the same time, there are trace elements of love in Anger, Resentment, Sadness and other negative emotions.
How do these things work together?
If they don't then how do they get pried apart?
Does one need a helping hand? or can it be done alone?
So many questions. But never any answers.
I don't know about love. I don't know about my emotions.
All I know is that whenever I say goodbye, I wish I had never said it.
All I know is that whenever I say hi, I wish I had never said it.
I want to make a decision. Stick with it from now till death does me in, but until I sort through this emotional mostrositiy that is ME..... I'll never be convinced that I made the right choice.
Hopefully then, I'll be able to cry, and maybe then I won't be considered such an emotionless robot.
Yes, this is one of those venting, confused pieces, so if you aren't interested in reading further, please, come back next week - I'm sure to have something productive written by then.
Most of my life, decisions have been rather simple. If they seemed insurmountable, and after an exaggerated herculean effort, they were still choices that I could live with.
Now a days I just feel like every move I'm making is the wrong one.
It sucks that I can't stay on a straight line. Mainly because it means that most decision I make, say, yesterday, I might regret, today.
I'm so confused. And disappointed.
I'm ashamed to seemingly be unable to react emotionally to emotional situation. God know that I want to cry, but I just can't.
I don't cry when people die. I don't cry when a sad movie plays. I don't cry when someone precious to me cries.
I just feel hollow.
I feel, fake. I can laugh at jokes, hell, I'll crack 50 of them in an hour. But I can't seem to cry - and believe me, I've made people cry a lot.
It makes me sick to write that, but it's the truth. I've seen people cry because of me so many times, I've lost count. And all I can do is stare back at them - emotionless. Hollow.
But I'm not hollow, at least, I don't think I am.
So many of my emotions as a child have gone straight into the bitter box that I think after 7th or 8th grade, I just stopped crying about things that caused me emotional pain. I believe that I've just taken every emotion from then on and placed it in this huge box.
Anger, Rage, Greed, Hatred, Compassion, Hope, Despair, and all the others.
But most importantly Love. Love was placed in that box of turbulent, corrupt emotions.
I'd like to divert onto a tangent here, on Love:
So, all these emotions; Anger and Rage being some of the strongest emotions in there with the innocence of love.
What is love? (not a reference to the song) I mean, society tells us that we have to love our parents, that we have to love our family. But what is LOVE?
When you meet someone, how do you know that it's love? what makes one sure that it's not just a pure sexual attraction? Is it the emotional connection that develops? Is it an evolution of a similar strand of friendship?
Or is it just that you wake up and realize, 'I love that person'
It is a word that gets thrown around so much.
"I love this song" "I love this movie" "I love this dish" "I love that shirt"
How do we know what we really love? Even a song that we love, we get sick of after putting it on repeat for 2 weeks.
The concept and term love has been perversed and polluted by television and media, so much so that it's actually become a synonym for sex.
So once again, where or rather how, do you define 'love'?
I have no idea.
I can imagine a 'pandora's box' like scene where the box gets opened, but rather than all the seperate components flying out, it's mutated. It's been corrupted into a mass of emotional muck.
Now, forensics is trying to sift through it. But it's taking time. And most often than not, they are finding wrong emotions with a degree of love in it. Fear, Worry, Care. All these things are embedded with love. If love was assembled, it would very much have these components in it. But at the same time, there are trace elements of love in Anger, Resentment, Sadness and other negative emotions.
How do these things work together?
If they don't then how do they get pried apart?
Does one need a helping hand? or can it be done alone?
So many questions. But never any answers.
I don't know about love. I don't know about my emotions.
All I know is that whenever I say goodbye, I wish I had never said it.
All I know is that whenever I say hi, I wish I had never said it.
I want to make a decision. Stick with it from now till death does me in, but until I sort through this emotional mostrositiy that is ME..... I'll never be convinced that I made the right choice.
Hopefully then, I'll be able to cry, and maybe then I won't be considered such an emotionless robot.
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